Like most humans, I generally prefer to surround myself with people who like, value, and respect me. You know, it’s quite a nice and simple way to boost my self-esteem.
And yet, after studying human behavior for many years, I am fully aware that the tendency to indulge in this self-enhancing habit is intellectually debilitating: while it feels nice to hang out with people who appreciate you, it is also a way to develop blind spots and ignore opportunities to get better, improve, and develop new skills and ideas.
Montaigne warned of this in his Essays, cautioning against surrounding oneself with flattering mirrors that reflect only our vanity, not our flaws. Shakespeare dramatizes this danger repeatedly—think of King Lear, who banishes the only daughter who speaks honestly, choosing instead the empty praise of those who tell him what he wants to hear. In The Iliad, Achilles withdraws from battle in part because his ego isn’t sufficiently stroked, with devastating consequences. And Orwell, in 1984, shows us a world where intellectual isolation—being surrounded by only one narrative—becomes the ultimate mechanism of control.
Growing Divided
Beyond the personal level, this habit fuels tribalism and polarization: when we curate our social and intellectual circles to exclude dissent or difference, we don’t just grow more complacent—we grow more divided. What begins as a harmless preference for affirmation becomes a breeding ground for intellectual stagnation and collective delusion.
Conversely, increasing the time you spend with people who don’t like or value you, particularly when they think different from you, may sound like a masochistic activity, but it can reveal important gaps between the person you are and who you would like to be. Indeed, even when people underestimate you, they can be an important source of negative or critical feedback that alerts you to the possibility that you may actually not be as good as you think—and especially not as good as your inner circle thinks. This is an essential ingredient of self-awareness: coming to terms with your limitations, knowing what you don’t know, and accepting the fact that other people may not see you as positively as you see yourself, or as your close friends and fans do.
But first, let’s understand the likely reasons other people may underestimate you:
1) It is a way to protect their own self-esteem
Bringing other people down is the most common way to feel good about yourself (pathetic, I know—but very human). This phenomenon is often referred to as the Crab Barrel Syndrome, the psychological process where individuals attempt to hinder the progress of others perceived as competitors. When people feel threatened, envious, or insecure, they often cope by diminishing the value of others. It’s less effortful than self-improvement and more immediately gratifying. So, when someone underestimates you, it may say more about their fragile ego than your actual potential. In other words, their low opinion of your talents might just be a defense mechanism they’re using to avoid facing their own inadequacies—a mix of jealousy, insecure narcissism, and self-pity that is expressed as a derogatory view of you.
In Joseph Mankiewicz’s All About Eve, the aging stage actress Margo Channing becomes increasingly threatened by the seemingly innocent and adoring Eve Harrington, a young fan who slowly infiltrates her life and career. Margo’s initial condescension gives way to paranoia and defensiveness, while Eve’s ascent is lubricated by subtle manipulation and strategic modesty. Here, the envy runs in both directions—Eve envies Margo’s fame and legacy; Margo resents Eve’s youth and promise. Each woman underestimates the other as a means of preserving her own sense of value, which makes the film a masterclass in how admiration curdles into rivalry when identity feels fragile.
2) You may actually be a high performer—but surrounded by other high performers
If you’re consistently underestimated despite strong output, consider the context. Being in an environment full of exceptional people—like elite academic programs, competitive companies, or high-performing teams—can distort perceptions. Just watch Damien Chazelle’s Whiplash, where gifted jazz drummer Andrew Neiman is pushed to his limits at a prestigious music conservatory. In that hypercompetitive setting, even brilliance isn’t enough—every success is met with silence or scorn, because greatness is simply expected. When excellence becomes the baseline, even impressive contributions may be overlooked. Meanwhile, others who are objectively less capable may shine simply because they operate in low-stakes environments where mediocrity passes for brilliance, and enjoy being a big fish in a small pond. So being underestimated may be a function of your high-performing context, not your low ability.
3) You may not be as good as you think
Self-enhancement bias is real. Research shows that most people overestimate their abilities, especially in ambiguous domains. Even if you’re talented, that doesn’t guarantee you’re making your value visible. Are you communicating clearly, aligning your work with others’ goals, or just expecting people to “get it”? Being underestimated might be your cue to refine how you showcase your strengths—clarify your contributions, seek feedback, and build a brand that matches your actual impact. (And yes, that means leaving the Dunning-Kruger zone.)
So, what are the best strategies for winning your critics over?
1) Focus on them, not you
Dale Carnegie 101: take a genuine interest in others. The irony is that people who underestimate you often care more about being seen than about seeing you. So, just play the game: ask them about their work, their opinions, their ideas—convincingly faking appreciation for them. Make them feel important. To be sure, flattery works best when it’s believable, which means you need to pay attention, listen, and reflect their values back to them. Call it effective impression management, strategic empathy, or just good politics: contrary to popular belief, it’s one of the key ingredients of career success.
2) Quantify your achievements
People are less likely to ignore results when they’re staring at hard numbers. Share outcomes, metrics, and results that demonstrate your impact. Be specific: revenue increased, error rates decreased, engagement improved. You don’t have to brag—just document. Some people may still dismiss the data because they favor charisma over competence, but those aren’t the people you should be trying to impress anyway. Let the results speak, and if they don’t listen, speak louder with your results.
3) Change your behavior
Maybe they’re right. Or at least not entirely wrong. Being underestimated can be a gift disguised as insult: a wake-up call that motivates you to adapt, grow, and become harder to ignore. If you’ve been coasting, this is your cue to sprint. If you’ve been misaligned, recalibrate. The good news is that people revise their judgments when they see genuine effort and improvement. There’s nothing more satisfying than disproving someone’s low expectations—especially when you do it without gloating (at least not outwardly).
A final consideration: at times, the most effective way to win over the people who underestimate you may require you to care less about whether you actually win them over—especially if your goal is merely to inflate your ego. Focus instead on learning from them. Just as failure is a better teacher than success, critics and adversaries often teach us more than friends and fans. Nietzsche, for instance, argued that we owe our greatest growth to resistance and struggle, not comfort: “What does not kill me makes me stronger” is not just a gym slogan, but a blueprint for character development. Similarly, in The Republic, Plato has Socrates sharpen his thinking through constant dialectical combat with hostile interlocutors—because truth, like steel, is forged through friction. Even in literature, consider Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice: it is precisely through misunderstanding, misjudgment, and critical feedback that Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy evolve into better versions of themselves.
In the end, you cannot expect everybody to appreciate your talents—but those who don’t may be more valuable than your supporters. Their underestimation can sting, yes, but it also serves as a psychological spur to refine, improve, and prove—not just to them, but to yourself—what you’re truly capable of becoming.